Monday, June 21, 2010

Old News -- Sad

It's been nearly a year since I wrote this on another blog, but I just wanted to save it. Sheril is now in remission and doing very well. This entry was originally entitled:

But Why a Spoon, Cousin?

"Because it would hurt more, you idiot." -- Sheriff of Nottingham to his cousin Guy of Gisbourne in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves

For anyone who does not know the reference here, just prior to this the sheriff says that when he catches Robin Hood he will carve his heart out with a spoon. I know what that feels like now. On August 17th at 11:11 AM, my wife of 11 years, my best friend, my confidant and lover was diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma.

Words cannot convey the pain. Sheril has been in the hospital for 3 days now and I am SO lonely and heartsick when I am not near her that it is pathetic. Everything else pales by comparision. I do all of the motions of my life, but it all seems so empty.

I try to be brave for our son (He is seven and about to start 2nd grade.), but I don't think I have the strength to keep it up. He lost his Grandpa on his 6th birthday and so is no stranger to loss. He asked me last night if his Mama was going to die. I had to look him in the face and say, "I don't know, Johnathan. She is very sick, but I don't know if she will die."

I'm kicking butt on the wii 30 day challenge because I just throw myself so hard into the exercises that I lose myself. The sweat and hard work gives me a brief respite from the pain. It's kinda funny. I would have expected that I would fall back to comfort foods to get me through this, but instead I find that I have no appetite at all. I eat the meals I have prepared in advance, but there is no joy in eating.

Right now there is no joy -period-

My apologies to all who have read this. I didn't want to bring anyone else down, but I had to let some of this pain out of myself. May you, gentle reader, have a blessed day. I thank you for your time.

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